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27 Apr 12

Mitt!

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Written by Ryan Adam Smith

The Power of the Hair!

I’m sorry to burst your delusional bubbles. But it doesn’t really matter which United States President takes office the next four years, eight years or twelve years. Very little is going to change. Some poor people will get screwed and some rich people will get richer. Some of you will point to the Wall-Street melt-down and Great Recession that followed the Bush administration to prove me wrong. Some of you will point to the hilarious “Job-Act” during the Obama administration as proof the President matters. And some of you may even go as far back as the Reagan administration to shout phrases like “trickle-down” to stay safely hunkered in your bubbles. It’s an unfortunate reality that we’re all entitled to an opinion; especially, when so many opinions are dead-wrong. The government is a larger and slower moving bureaucracy than any of us could ever imagine. Take the levels of people you go through and conversations you have in order to get a $500 project approved at your company. Now, multiply that experience by 10,000 and you still won’t come close to understanding the pace of government bureaucracy. This lack of change is why it is of dire importance we shift our focus from political conversations to discussing Mitt Romney’s hair.

Is anyone else completely smitten with that rug on Mitt’s head? It’s immaculate. It’s a perfect pepper color with just a sprinkle of salt and slicked in 50 different ways. He has those awesome grey wings that start at his sideburns and run to the tops of his ears.

He’s like a comic book character, funded by the Super PACS, whose secret Superpowers are hidden somewhere in the rich fibers on his head.
My guess is those grey wings are antennas that receive advanced stock information from outer space, and Romney knows everything that’s going to happen with the NYSE or NASDAQ before it actually happens. The information he receives from outer space is how he really became rich, and not by loading companies with debt, driving them into bankruptcy, and firing their workforce, like everyone thinks. All that talk about “Vulture Capitalism” is just a cover-up so nobody catches onto his Super-powered hair. It’s exactly the hair Giselle saw when she ordered Tom Brady to grow his hair long. It was bad enough she had to be married to a man that was destined to be the second best quarterback in every Super Bowl since their marriage. But being married to a man with the second best hair in Massachusetts? That’s a deal breaker. But even with Brady’s flowing curls reaching past his shoulders, he could never match Romney’s epic voice. Romney’s voice is like a powerful trance of certainty. It’s almost impossible to make-out the words over the awesomeness in his inflection. He says “I'm not a big-game hunter. I've made that very clear. I've always been a rodent and rabbit hunter. Small varmints, if you will.” And then he says, “This election. Let’s fight for the America we love.”

I’m not really sure what he’s hunting or if he and I love the same America, but he talks like a Southern preacher or that guy with the low-voice from Boys II Men that doesn’t actually sing, but breaks-in mid-song to talk real sexy. Hearing Romney’s voice is equal to the excitement I felt when finding a mint-condition cassette of Cooleyhighharmony at my local record store. Romney’s voice mixes dirty arrogance with the kind of fun that comes from thinking $374,000 is “not a lot of money.”

Let’s face it; Romney’s the real-life Bruce Wayne.
And he doesn’t even have to moonlight as Batman. Why would he parade around in a costume? He doesn’t have to wrestle with The Joker, sleep with Cat Woman or pal around with that midget, The Penguin. His friends own NASCAR teams and NFL franchises. A young-man gave him an origami bird made from a dollar-bill and Mitt replaced it with all he had in his pocket: a hundred dollar bill. He’s expanding his beachfront property to add an elevator—for his cars. His cars! Not to mention he’s a leading member of one of the world’s fastest growing religions, which is like being a Bulls fan the year Michael Jordan was drafted (alright it’s not that cool, but being on the forefront of a trend is pretty hipsterish, no?). His sophistication makes The Queen of England look like Meta World Peace (formerly Ron Artest for you non-sports-fans out there). He’s a hip-hop artist that doesn’t need a diamond grill, fifty rings, or a gold necklace to bling. Money and confidence drip from his mouth and pour out his eyes. Struggling to pay his bills is just something he’ll never understand and why should he even try? “I’m not worried about the rich,” he said in a recent speech. “They’ll be just fine.” Of course the rich will be fine. It’s why Romney, after all, still has his hair. The last thing to stress him out was when his private chef quit. Who else was going to make his Kobe filet-mignon medium-rare? Luckily, Romney’s butler found a replacement chef just in time. And this is why I’m urging you to decide this next election by what’s cooler: Romney’s hair or Obama’s slow news jam on Jimmy Fallon . It’s your decision. Use it wisely.

I make too much money for this shi**!


Previous articles by Ryan Adam Smith

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